Here We Go Again...

Well this is timely. 4 tourists were viscously attacked by an oceanic white tip shark off the coast of Egypt. The white tip is notorious for killing humans and is responsible for some of the worst recorded attacks at sea, including those related to the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. 880 men got off the ship before it sank and only 321 made it out of the water alive. Not all died as a result of shark attacks mind you, but enough did to make me wonder if sharks really do hate the taste of humans.

According to Jacques Cousteau, the white tip is the most dangerous of all sharks. That man knew the sea, so I’ll take his word for it. The white tips usually stay far away from shore, feeding on fish, whale feces (I can’t make this shit up) and the poor souls who end up in the open sea because of ship wrecks and plane crashes. But this little jackass made his way inland to a resort where he quite literally dined on the locals. This is happening people, so it’s time to make use of swimming pools. These bastards are only getting hungrier with each passing day.

For more pictures of sharks go to malcolmnobbs.com.

Pistachios are the new almonds.

The Ultimate Killing Machine

An epic battle is about to be unleashed on this blog. There are people out there who believe that sharks aren’t the evil assholes of the sea. I am not one of those people. When I was a tender 4 year old I had my own brush with this beast and I haven’t been the same since. It was a warm and sunny day in Florida. My Gramps and I decided to go swimming in the Gulf of Mexico and made it all the way out to a sandbar. On our way back to shore, a fin broke through the surface of the water and started circling us. I was frantic and climbed onto my grandfather’s head. Then something miraculous happened, a dolphin appeared. My theory, there was a shark in the water and my pal flipper put a kibosh on his attack. Dolphins are notorious for protecting humans from sharks, but that’s another story. My brush with this dark creature has left a permanent mark on my psyche. Even when I’m swimming in my pool, the thought of that deadly beast and his razor sharp teeth pops into my head and I fear for my dangling feet. Do I blame Jaws? No. I blame the sharks that keep eating people.


For over 420 million years sharks have been swimming in the world’s oceans. They predate dinosaurs and have developed into a staggering 440 different species. Apparently, the chance of being attacked by a shark is 1 in 11.5 million. I don’t buy that for a second and here’s why: In the year 2000 there were 79 reported shark attacks and 11 fatalities, the most in recorded history, with the majority occurring in the United States (keep in mind that statistics only reflect reported attacks). So were these apex predators just having a bad year? Do they hate Americans? Or are they working on a secret mission to kill us all?

Here are some more startling facts: sharks have sensory organs that allow them to detect electricity generated by movement in the water. Recent studies prove that they hunt their prey like serial killers – terrifying!! If shark attacks are a case of mistaken identity, then why do they devour humans, leaving no remains in some cases? It’s simple, because sharks are killing machines, they will attack anything that gets in their way. And don’t even get me started on this new thing where great whites can propel their entire bodies out of the water. It’s just another shocking sign of their rapid evolution.

So to the sharks I say this, why can’t you just back the fuck up and give us the shore? You have the whole damn sea to call your home, so learn to share. Stop being such assholes. There are literally, plenty of fish in the sea, so eat them. I respect the sea and its many creatures, so much so that I won’t even go into the water anymore. But hear my warning people: the sharks are out to get us, so swim at your own risk.

The Rules #6: Don't Mess With A Level Five Wizard

Have you ever been at a gathering and had some obnoxious fuck try and challenge you on every word you say? Yeah, me too. After about five minutes you want to strangle the ever-lovin' life right out of him/her. You are right to feel this way, too many people have had their self-esteem fed by lies their parents have told them. So many schmucks with opinions they think matter, whether or not they have any knowledge of the subject. Hence Rule 6...

6. Don't Mess With A Level Five Wizard.

A level five wizard is someone who knows their shit, I mean really knows their shit. When a level five wizard is messed with, the messer will often be verbally castrated and left standing mouth agape while the rest of the crowd titters. Back in my university days I lived with a girl who was pre-med and smart as a whip. We called her 2. Well one day this girl no one particularly cared for was having a rant about something biology based and claiming the ideas as her own. This was fine with me, knowing sweet jack about biology. But 2, she knew better. So this bitch jaws on and on and I'm glazing over because I'm not at all interested, and then it happened... "That's page 620 in Biology Today. And it's unproven." Oh shit. It was sweet. She 'Goodwill Huntinged' that smug bitch. And she just stood there. The rest of us were laughing, and she just stood there...angry. Knowing when to shut the fuck up is a lost art. Sometimes we all run off at the mouth, it is to be expected. However, you must recognize when you are out of your depth. This whole new age-y 'your self-esteem is more important than being right' is bullshit. Far too many people are out there walking around thinking that they are unique snowflakes with valuable thoughts and feelings on every fucking subject. It's funny how we have gone from every one having low self-esteem to the better part of a generation having an inflated self-image for no reason at all. I'm sure there is a happy medium out there, but I don't think we are going to reach it through therapy - far too much validation there. Anyway, loyal readers I am ranting.

A Tribute to Beverly Hills 90210

Beverly Hills 90210 is turning 20 this October. Yes you read that right, 20! It debuted on Fox in October of 1990. I was a naive 11 at the time and still remember it like it was yesterday. The love triangles, the sideburns, the high-waisted jeans and colourful blazers are only a few of the things that come to mind when I look back at a series that defined the 90s. Lets be honest here, the true glory days of the show were the Brenda years, seasons 1 through 4. After she left, 90210 tried desperately to recapture its glory and find a new bitch, but Shannen Doherty's shoes were much too big to fill. Nothing against Tiffany Amber Thiessan, but she couldn't hold a candle to Brenda's antics. Smoking pot does not trump running away to Mexico with Dylan.

One of my favourite characters on the show was Andrea Zukerman. The Zuk was the oldest looking of them all. Now it was obvious that none of these actors were in their teens, but Andrea looked like a soccer mom right from the get go. This didn't seem to stop her from having a long drawn out and often times severely uncomfortable relationship with Brandon. Oh Brandon, what a gem he was. The all American guy, played by a Canadian. But the two never really made things work, they just danced around each other for years. Her moves are legendary. Barney Stinson could learn a thing or two from her play book. That seriously disturbing ride on the carousel where she "gives" herself to Brandon. I mean, come on! A teen drama doesn't get much better than that.

I also have to give a shout out to Jim and Cindy Walsh. They were among the greatest TV parents. Always helpful and wholesome, the Walshes were gracious hosts and the voice of reason for their out of control daughter and her wild friends. Thankfully the writers knew this show was about the teens and kept Jim and Cindy on the back burner.

Let’s take a look at some of the best moments and episodes the show had to offer. The entire Brenda/Dylan courtship. The Kelly/Brenda/Dylan triangle that ended in the best line of all time on a teen drama "I hate you both. Never talk to me again" Now that's some great writing! The entire story arc surrounding Emily Valentine. The Euphoria episode in particular, which paired up Steve and the Zuk was pure comic genius and Dylan stepping in to handle everything was just plain awesome. When the alcoholic of the group is in charge, you know you're in trouble. The summer episodes, which essentially catapulted the show to super stardom, were incredible. The Zuk laying down the law with Brandon on the beach is priceless. The spring dance episode where Brenda and Dylan do it and Steve reveals he's adopted. The Palm Springs episode where Brenda sleeps in a broom closet on her quest to find Dylan. What more can I say? These gems speak for themselves.

So I say thanks to Aaron Spelling for teaching us all how to properly throw a teen tantrum and navigate the muddy waters of adolescence. We forgive you for ramming your goody two shoes daughter down our throats. Although it makes me feel incredibly old to remember something that happened 20 years ago, I can look back with joy at a show that helped shape my childhood. I will definitely be watching some key episodes in October to celebrate this hard to believe milestone!

The 25 Scariest Movies

The fall is my favourite time of the year. It's a combination of many things that make it so special. The vibrant colours, the sweaters, the stews, and last but not least, the scary movies. Scary movies are a portal into the dark side of humanity. They are the nightmares of the collective unconscious. I personally love the experience of being scared from the safety of my living room and exploring uncommon emotions. So I decided to compile a list of my favourite scary movies, which includes titles from both the horror and thriller genres. There is a marked difference between the two genres. In a nutshell, horror movies are gory, intense and easy to follow. Thrillers are a different ball of wax, where story drives the plot and characters aren't as expendable. Once you add layers to your characters and create a villain who kills for a reason, you've got yourself a thriller. Silence of the Lambs is a thriller. People don't win Oscars for horror movies, I’m just saying!


One more thing, unless specified, I’m always referring to the original versions of these movies. Don’t even get me started on the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween or the unwatchable, atrocious recreation of Black Christmas.

So with Halloween fast approaching, here are my favourite scary movies, in no particular order:

• Halloween
• Scream
• Friday the 13th
• Rosemary's Baby
• The Shinning
• Night of the Living Dead
• The Exorcist
• A Nightmare on Elm Street
• Saw
• The Omen
• The Ring
• Suspiria
• The Strangers
• Black Christmas
• Psycho
• The Silence of the Lambs
• The Exorcism of Emily Rose
• Seven
• Jaws
• Poltergeist
• Misery
• The Mothman Prophecies
• Evil Dead
• Paranormal Activity
• The Blair Witch Project

"What the hell is on my hand?!?"

I was taking a Thanksgiving stroll through Chinatown with my papa. We were crossing a street through a crowd of people and suddenly I felt something sticky on the back of my hand. So I look, as one would in such a situation, and across the back of my hand is a white gloop of sticky. My first instinct as to what had landed on my hand was bird poop. Get your mind out the gutter, readers. My second instinct was your first instinct, you dirty birds. I yell out "WHAT THE HELL IS ON MY HAND?!?" and my dad turns around and sees the look of horror, disgust and need for hand sanitizer on my face and quickly notes the lady who just walked by us with a big drippy vanilla ice cream cone. Ever the gentleman, my papa handed me a tissue and pointed to the lady with the ice cream. And then he laughed for while. I'm still not 100% sold on the ice cream theory - but it is far better than than my initial thoughts. Needless to say, I washed my hands with soap, very hot water and vigor as soon as I could.

Don't Stop Believing

It’s October in Toronto. The leaves are changing colour and Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means the puck is about to drop on another hockey season. It becomes apparent at this time every year that Toronto is the Mecca of hockey. Even though the Toronto Maple Leafs have failed to make the playoffs for the last several years and haven’t won the Stanley Cup since 1967, their fans still believe. At the start of every season, we all have a renewed optimism. But being a Leafs fan is not for the faint of heart. In fact, it’s a tiresome, soul crushing task. It’s like being in an abusive, codependent relationship. Every season they say they’re going to change, that things will be different and we trust them. Yet, every year they fail and we just keep coming back for more. The bottom line is we want our beloved buds to win. And one of these days it will happen. It just has to. So I say, put on your rally caps and start growing those beards because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with believing.

Make the Bad Man Stop

Have you ever watched a movie that stuck with you for days? It doesn't necessarily have to be scary, disturbing is a better way to describe it. I'm talking about movies that leave a lasting impression, that permanently burn disconcerting images into your mind. Now, I must preface this list by explaining that I am 100% white meat. I don't have dark fantasies about killing baby animals or having someone pee on me. No offense if that's you're bag, but I'm a prude. I do have an open mind though. I understand that this is merely the tip of a very dark and dirty iceberg. That being said, I have seen a lot of movies. Some have become favourites, some are forgettable, but here is a list of the movies I wish I never watched:

A Clockwork Orange
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Deliverance
Sybil
Irreversible
Last House on the Left
Boys Don't Cry
Requiem for a Dream
Hostel 2
Mystic River
The Kite Runner

So there you have it. Watch at your own risk. You've been warned.

The Rules #5: Don't Dip Your Pen In The Company Ink

We're all the way to Rule 5, where does the time go? This particular rule is a bear trap most have been snared in at some point, and although there are exceptions to this one, most of us will only end up chewing our leg off to get away.

5. Don't dip your pen in the company ink.

Seriously, don't. It rarely ends well and then you are forced into prolonged contact with an ex. Who the hell wants that? Even masochists shy away. The only time anyone really wants to "stay friends" is if he/she is still feeling mushy towards the ex and holds out hope that the ex will see the light and come running back through a field of wild grass and daisies with open arms. Or something like that. Dating co-workers tends to follow a certain pattern. In the beginning there is flirtation and it's all in good fun, work goes by much faster and rarely sucks. Then there is the unveiling, the official announcement of couplehood to the workplace. This usually will make someone uncomfortable, most of the time it is someone in charge who sees nothing but trouble ahead. Your boss won't say much, but you will get the impression he/she is a little on edge about the whole thing. Initial reactions blow over, and everything is fine. Your productivity is down due to the distraction factor, but slack is cut and it rolls along like any other relationship. And then the fighting hits. You both agree not to drag your problems into work and it doesn't really happen because everyone around you 40hrs a week can tell something's up even though nothing has been mentioned. There are whispers in the workplace now. "They are on the rocks, I can tell. I give it a month." So you break up and everyone knows. You are treated differently, people ask you if you are ok all the time and the forced friendliness with your ex can exasperate any situation. Now you have no escape. The best thing about work when you are sad in a relationship way is the escape. You plod about your day in a usual way and there is some strange comfort in the whole thing. Routines are funny that way. But when you've dipped in the company ink it is there all the time. I repeat: ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And it sucks. Loyal readers beware, it is a tempting fruit with worms hidden inside. Eww worms.

Find A Penny...

I woke up last Friday morning and went to have a shower. Not exciting. I drop my robe (I know, easy boys this isn't going where you think) and there is a shiny penny where my belly button generally resides. Now, I have my suspicions as to where it came from. The most likely being I had a penny in my bed and slept on it. But for a brief shiny moment I thought "Holy shit! I can make pennies."

16 Things We Don't Understand About Sixteen Candles

1. How exactly does Sam Baker ensnare Jake Ryan?
2. Why is Sam going to shit twice and die? Why not just once?
3. What exactly is partying serious?
4. Why do Sam and Randy stare at a naked Caroline in the shower for so long?
5. Where does Randy learn such nice manners babe?
6. Why don’t the grandparents remember her birthday? They do live for that shit!
7. Exactly how many muscle relaxers does Lisa take? Because four doesn’t do that to someone.
8. Why does Mike (Sam’s brother) fake smoke a pretzel at the kitchen table?
9. Why does the geek’s name remain a mystery?
10. Why is Joan Cusack, the best actress of our time, so under used?
11. Why does Caroline act so casual when she wakes up with the geek?
12. Why doesn’t someone just open the door instead of cutting off Caroline’s hair? And why are the scissors so large?
13. Why do Long Duk and his lady friend exercise for foreplay?
14. Why does pizza sound like the blues?
15. Why does the geek have his head gear with him?
16. Why are Sam and Jake being so risky sitting on a glass top table leaning over candles?

Technology and Me

I was just looking in a file labeled Sasha on this computer and I found this image. I'm not too sure where it came from. And then I thought maybe the computer was becoming self-aware, because I often suspect this of technology. My relationship with technology is not quite as fraught with tension as my relationship with birds. It's simmered down nicely in the last few years, but between 2002-2006 you couldn't burn a CD with me in the room. For real. I used to like to think it was personal magnetism, but those years were intensely mutually antagonistic for me and the 'puters. Thankfully, of late I just go through DVD players with great ferocity. I think the image above really represents a turning point for technology and me. Instead of menacing shutdowns and malfunctions, we have reached an uneasy truce of quirky cooperation.

The Rules: #4 Innocent Until Proven Guilty

This one will be short and sweet. Rule 4 is so solid that there just isn't that much to say about it. We all know it, we all love it, our legal system is built on it...

4. Innocent Until Proven Guilty

So simple and so true. It can be applied in a plethora of predicaments (alliteration is for lovers). After a nasty night out of misbehaving one can invoke Rule 4 on the grounds of "if no one saw it, it didn't happen'. Everything is alleged unless you are faced with damning physical evidence. That last sentence is very imporatant so I'll lay it on you again - EVERYTHING IS ALLEGED UNTIL YOU ARE CAUGHT. EVERYTHING. Never let some smug son of a bitch rat you out for indiscresions the day after. We have all had people like this around, and it is important to keep your wits about you. Say you did a little tongue tango with someone you probably shouldn't have done that with, it happens we are all human. The important thing is to stay calm, and ask yourself a few key questions. Who saw you? What state were they in? What state were you in? Are there any pictures/video footage? Risk assess your situation and take it from there. If you are busted then plead guilty, you are not OJ. If you can pull off pretending nothing happened then do it. Tell your closest friend the truth, have them run your PR and everything will be fine. Trust me. People forget shit about you way faster than you forget it about yourself.

Was Michaelangelo a Zombie?

In short yes. The Sisitine Chapel is covered in hidden brains. Which I believe exposes Michaelangelo's zombie brain-lust. Some believe this has more to do with obsessive anatomy sketches (he received a corpse as a gift for this purpose once... as if you believe a corpse gift is appropriate for non-zombies), but those are educated folks with expertise on the subject. I think he was a zombie who ate brains. And he wanted you to know. Secretly.

The Rules: #3 The Gambler Rule

3. The Gambler Rule - "You gotta know when to hold 'em/ Know when to fold 'em/ Know when to walk away/ Know when to run."

I can not underestimate the crucial importance of knowing when to get the fuck out of Dodge. This rule applies to damn near everything, much like Rule 2. That Kenny Rogers is a sage man, imparting his wisdom to the people through unassuming country music and roasted chicken. Timing is such an important element in most things, and when your timing is off you know it...oh boy do you know it. Sometimes things get a little heavy and you need to know what aspect of The Gambler you will be. Say you are fighting with a significant other over something like which way the toilet paper should fall on the roll (I'm not even going to wade in to the over the top/down the wall quagmire, I'm not that political). Before The Gambler, you would duke it out and let it snowball into a 3 hour state of the union fight that somehow ended up being about someone you may/may not have flirted with at Starbucks. This is an unpleasant and entirely preventable situation. Now that you are aware of The Gambler, you will think "Perhaps this isn't worth no sex for a week, and I will shut the fuck up now." and this is a good thing. Freaking out about little things will send you to early grave. Now, knowing when to walk away and when to run is a life skill that should be taught from birth. I recall as a pre-teen being somewhat informed about this in a "say no to peer pressure" kind of way, but let's face it, most of us forgot all that stuff the second we walked through high school's doors. It is time to remember. We'll take a Rule 1 situation, you want someone who is crazy and against your better judgment you hop in anyway. So now that you have fucked a crazy, they are, true to form, being very fucking crazy. At this point you are in what I like to call a "Die Hard Situation", where not only do you need to run away but you'd better throw a grenade behind you and dive away from the exploding building. If you had walked away before the sex, well then you'd be a true student of The Gambler. It's all timing. It's not always easy to shut up or give up, but the right thing is rarely easy. Kenny speaks the truth, you should listen to him.

Great Quote from The Wedding Crashers

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.” – Mrs. Kroeger

From the Kitchen of Loretta Divoon - Crab Dip

This is a classic recipe that I've tweaked over the years. It's a crowd pleaser, so you might want to make a double batch. Enjoy!!

1 package of cream cheese

2 tins of crab meat

¼ cup finely chopped Spanish onion

1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese

1 tsp of horseradish

½ tsp of black pepper

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 tbsp of chopped fresh parsley

Juice of half a lemon

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Open the 2 tins of crab and drain most of the liquid off. I prefer to use Clover Leaf crab meat, but you can use any kind you like. In an oven safe bowl, combine the cream cheese and crab. You still want there to be chunks of crab here, so don’t over mix. Stir in the remainder of the ingredients. Bake for 25-30 minutes until the dip is brown and bubbly. Let stand 5 minutes. Serve with crackers or fresh baguette.

Paranormal Activity Quote

"You go out and get the best looking fucking Ouija board I've ever seen and put it in the middle of our living room? Explain that to me." - Katie

The Rules: #2 Don't Fuck Around

2. Don't fuck around
i) Don't break the code

This is the "do unto others.." rule. Ideally, if you don't fuck around, then you will not be fucked with in return. As we all know karma can be a bitch, and none of us want to be staring at the business end of a karmic hissy fit. I understand that sometimes the urge to mess with people is tempting, in fact it can be downright overwhelming, but we must resist. It can be boring, I won't lie, but in the end when your shit isn't falling apart because of some he said/she said silliness you will be grateful. This rule applies to many real life scenarios. Take a furnace for example. Your world is spinning comfortably round and round, and then your furnace conks and you are very cold. You might think you can get in there and fix it right up, but chances are pretty good that you are in fact in over your head. If you are a general kinda person like myself, with no furnace based training, it is in your best interest not to fuck around - your house might explode. The appendage on Rule 2 was initially thought to be obvious, but over the last few years I have noticed that many people are totally ignorant to The Code. The Code started as a guy thing, a code of conduct if you will, passed from father to son for generations. However, I think it's time to put it out there for all the sexes to see. For the sake of authenticity I will keep it in guyspeak.

The Code

- Do not hit on or sleep with your buddy's girlfriend or mom.
- If your friend and his girlfriend were at all serious and have since broken up, she is off limits. Not necessarily forever, but for a long, long time and she is not to be persued without his ok.
- Do not "cock block", it is not funny. Unless it is clearly for your friend's own good, then and only then is it allowed.
- Do not leave a drowning man at the bar/party/wherever. If he is drunk enough to puke or fight he needs a babysitter.
- If your friend is getting his ass kicked you are under obligation to help in whatever way you can.
- If you are a wing man, know your role.
- If a friend is hurting in some emotional way you must take him out, get him drunk and show him a good time. He may not have a good time, but one needs to be shown to him.

That's just a quick run down of The Code as it has been explained to me. It is common sense, just like "don't fuck around" but I thought it needed to be spelled out. Rule 3 is on it's way. Same bat-time, same bat-channel. Only this one has a Kenny Rogers reference...

Great Quote from The House Bunny

"The eyes are the nipples of the face." - Shelley

The Forgotten... PCU

PIVEN'S HAIRLINE TRUTH 1994.

PCU is a great film. Let me tell you why in point form.
- as indicated above, Piven's hairline truth is all over this movie
- introduction of "don't be that guy" in reference to the guys who wear the band's t-shirt to the show
- a vegan protest ending in meat throwing
- funk legend George Clinton
- a young and tubby Jon Favreau as Gutter
- David Spade's young republican Rand, head of the Balls and Shaft secret society
- the Womynists quotes:
"You participated in a phallus naming?"
"Hey, hey. Ho, ho. The Penis Party has got to go!"
"You dated a white a male?"
- college president Andrea (it's pronounced ON-DREE-UH) Garcia-Thompson saying "Well I think Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building."

Mel Gibson

What an asshole.

The Rules: #1 Don't Fuck Crazies

Don't fuck crazies. Just don't. You put the key in the lock and you open the door, if you know what I mean. I'm sure many of you have had problems of this variety, and they are not fun. It seems harmless at the time, "What could he/she possibly do to me? He/She seems to like me, I don't think it'll be a problem." Well, you are very wrong. It will be a problem, and usually a big one. I don't know why crazy people unleash the fury when the sex goes down, they just do. Sometimes it is best not to question known truths, why is not always that important. I learned this in math class. There is one amendment on this rule. The crazy balance is what I call it. The crazy balance is a personal choice. You see, we are all crazy which sets up a bit of a paradox, and in order to still have any sex at all you must decide what your level of crazy is and how crazy you are willing to go. For example, if I have decided that I am mid-range crazy, more of your cooky variety, then I must decide if I am willing to go into upper mid-level crazy, possibly medicated but not in need of institutionalization. Knowing that there are consequences to every action, you need to weigh out your crazy balance. When this ends will I have to call the cops? Will I have to change my phone number? Will friends and future mates experience any fall out? If you think you can handle a level five red flag crazy (voices in the head and maybe some feces flinging), well, go for it. But I wouldn't recommend it without serious forethought or being a level five red flag crazy yourself. Generally, most will find that they are willing to go no more than one crazy level above themselves. Stay tuned, loyal readers. Rule two is coming down the pipe.

Feathered Dinosaurs

BIG BIRD: RAAAAAWR
SNUFFLEUPAGUS: Oh shit!
BIG BIRD (gnashing teeth): SCREECH, RAAAWR

Fossils found in China provide evidence of feathered dinosaurs. Not all dinosaurs, but some. I can't decide whether I'm more terrified or slightly amused. But I do know that I prefer my dinosaurs lizardy. Let me preface this with a little bit of my history with birds. I don't like birds and they don't like me. Just last week I had a run in with a red-winged blackbird douchebag who wanted my nachos. Years ago, I worked at a glorified petting zoo where I had a summer long showdown with an emu who was an asshole. Every morning as I went by the emu, it would lower its head, spread its ineffectual wings and and try to disembowel me with its betaloned (I just made that word up) leg through a fence. For real, park staff had to reinforce the fence. To this day I try to eat emu whenever possible. Just as a 'fuck you, emu'. Anyway, that's just a taste of Sasha vs birds. Back to the feathery dinosaur. I think they lose a little something terror-wise when you add plumage. Consider the feather boa. Not scary. Unless you throw that boa on Buffalo Bill for a tucked lip sync. In light of this information the Mesozoic period in my head now looks like a pre-humanity Sesame Street with Big Bird tearing at the flesh of Snuffleupagus. On second thought, that is pretty god damned scary.

In Defence of White Chicks

"I tell people my favourite movie is Trainspotting. But my real favourite movie is White Chicks." - Sasha

If you haven't seen this cinematic gem, you are missing out. The basic premise of this film is simple, two black FBI agents go undercover as white socialites (think Paris Hilton) during a summer in the Hamptons. It seems like a basic plot, but what ensues is some of the funniest shit I have ever seen onscreen. Lets talk first about the way the "girls" look once they've had their makeover. Nobody seems to mind that they are built like brick shithouses, have hands the size of baseball mitts or have the most terrifying eyes in all the land.  My belief is suspended here and yours must be too in order to derive the maximum amount of pleasure from this comedy. So putting their unnatural skin tone and hulking frames aside, these chicks encounter various obstacles and hijinks ensue. There is a dance off, a dressing room breakdown from a hilarious Jennifer Carpenter (the potty mouthed Deb from Dexter) and a great blow job instructional. I can't make this shit up. This movie really does include something for everyone. There are elements of horror (see their makeup and you'll know what I mean), comedy, buddy comedy, romance, dirty romance, action and adventure. It's all encompassing. So put your judgements aside and enjoy one of the silliest, laugh out loud comedies of recent years. I dare you not to love it.

From the Kitchen of Loretta Divoon.... Mac and Cheese and Beer

half a package of macaroni
2.5 cups of grated sharp cheddar
half a cup of beer
2 tbsp of dijon
1 cup of milk
1 clove of peeled garlic
1 bay leaf
2 tbsp of butter
2 tbsp of flour
salt and pepper

Steep the milk with the bay leaf and garlic for 15 minutes. Melt the butter in a saucepan and whisk in the flour. Cook for about 1 minute. Remove garlic and bay leaf and gradually whisk in to the roux (the flour and butter part). Cook, stirring constantly until thick. Add beer and dijon, continually stirring until blended into the sauce. Add salt and pepper to taste. Still stirring over medium heat gradually add the grated cheese and stir until smooth. Add the sauce to slightly undercooked macaroni and stir. Put the macaroni and cheese in an oven safe dish, grate a little extra cheese on top and cook in a 425 degree oven until the cheese on top is golden brown.

Notes:
Something wrong with you if you don't like macaroni and cheese. Whenever I make this we all gather around the saucepan to lick the spoon. Like you did when you were little with icing. Except this is cheesy and beery. You want to get wild? I said DO YOU WANNA GET WILD? Then try a different cheese. I'm sort of emotional about cambozola these days.

Fun Facts: Families of the Famous

Tyka Nelson (Prince's Sister)

• Released an album in the 80's which she promoted by doing interviews with a stuffed blue dinosaur.
• Named her children Sir and President. Which means Uncle Prince has nephews named Sir and President.
• Former crack addict who hid an imaginary boyfriend in her home where she had tin foiled the windows.
• Her MySpace page has her listed as an unsigned artist although her brother owns a record label.

Paulina Bonaparte (Napoleon's Sister)

• Super slutty. Napoleon (I like to think she called him 'Naps' or 'Noopy') forced her to marry so she would stop sexing up or sexing down the men of Europe.
• Used servants as footstools. It probably went down like this - "Mon Dieu! Your back is so fat I must rest my feet upon it after an afternoon filled with the musk of questionable hygiene of men in the early 19th century."
  
• Napoleon made her the Duchess of Guastalla and then she promptly sold it.
  
• Possibly the first sibling of fame to pose nude. After the death of her Napoleon mandated husband, she posed for a full body nude sculpture to advertise the goods now that she was back on the market. Things were tough pre-Playboy.

Stephen Baldwin (Alec's Brother)

• Also famous, but much less so.
• Republican
  
• After 9/11 he became a born again Christian and began some ministries.
• Started "Breakthrough Ministry" which somehow combined Jesus and extreme sports in a stadium style venue. Let's cut him some slack here, everyone knows Jesus loves Motocross.
• Started another ministry called "Antioch Ministry" which is for-profit "to facilitate the gifts and calling of Stephen Baldwin". In a surprise twist, he filed for bankruptcy shortly after forming this ministry. In the interest of fairness, the website states that this was done on the behalf of Stephen Baldwin and he is not directly involved. Which I don't buy for a second.
• Has a Hannah Montana tattoo, which he permanently inked onto his body in hopes of scoring an appearance on the show. He has yet to appear on Hannah Montana.

Jackie Stallone (Sly's Mom)

• Former trapeze artist and chorus girl. I think that's pretty cool, but it gets much better from here.
• Promoted G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) in the 80's by rapping about her stable of lady wrestlers turning Miss Kittie's stable of lady wrestlers into kitty litter.
• Started a psychic hotline in the 90's. But who didn't?
• Asks dogs to tell her the future.
  
• Invented "rumpology" which is palm reading someone's ass.
  

Words That Sound Dirty

There is a story that runs around my family about my grandpa and I have no idea if it's true or not, it could go either way. The story goes like this - grandpa would walk p to someone on the street, tip his hat and say "Tickle your ass with a feather.". The person on the street would react with disgust and grandpa would give them a look that implied he/she was insane and then say "I said we're having particularly nice weather." and go about his business. It's probably illegal in some way to do that now. Hell, I don't know that it happened in the first place. But I like to think it did.

Here is a list for your consideration of words that sound dirty.

• Angina
• Titular
• Quiche
• Pianist
• Dipthong
• Fecund
• Kumquat
• Honeysuckle
• Ramification
• Masticate
• Cunning
• Fiduciary
• Renal
• Squat
• Cumin
• Condiment
• Shuttlecock
• Borscht
• Linguist

Of course there will be more. This is the kind of list that could go on for days.

The Forgotten... Jobu

Major League is woefully underrated and the most underrated character is Jobu. Jobu drinks rums, eats chickens (both the sacrificial and the Kentucky Fried kind) and smokes cigars in men's locker rooms. Which is how I plan to spend my golden years. He will hit a bitch in the head with a bat for stealing his rum because "is very bad to steal Jobu's rum". He will absolutely not help you hit a curve ball, but he will take the fear from a baseball bat. 

Fun Facts: Animal Groups

Some animals have fucking cool groupings. See above and below for details.

A shiver of sharks.

A shrewdness of apes.

An exultation of larks.

A convocation of eagles.

A business of ferrets.

A prickle of porcupines.

An ostentation of peacocks.

A parliament of owls.

A smack of jellyfish.

An ambush of tigers.

A tower of giraffes.

A peep of chickens.

A memory of elephants.

A skulk of foxes.

A zeal of zebras.

The Greatest Quote About Thursday

"Thursday is a more sexual day anyway." - Landry Clarke

From the Kitchen of Loretta Divoon... Candied Bacon aka The Husband Maker

1 pound of bacon
1.5 cups of maple syrup (the real stuff, no shitty table syrup)
3 tablespoons of dijon mustard

Mix maple syrup and dijon mustard together in a bowl. Pre-heat oven to 400. Lay bacon on a rack in a roasting pan. Brush maple syrup and dijon mustard mixture over bacon. Cook for 15 minutes and remove bacon from oven, flip over and brush the other side of the bacon with the maple syrup and dijon mixture. Put bacon back in the oven and cook for another 12-15 minutes or until bacon has reached desired crispiness.

Notes:
I showed this to a friend of mine and she was engaged within a month. This recipe is not to be used for evil, this bacon has powers. Serious, real powers. I like this instead of ham in an eggs benedict or instead of anything on a Sunday morning. You'll regret eating nothing but bacon for breakfast later, but that's later. If you try to use crappy corn based table syrup the sugar will just burn and no one will propose to anyone. Maybe he will, but it will be in spite of, not because of your bacon.

Things We Don't Understand About Dirty Dancing

1. Why can't anyone put Baby in a corner?
2. Why is "She Like the Wind"?
3. Why does she lead me to moonlight, only to burn me with the sun? Why does she do that?
4. Why did Baby carry a watermelon, then say she did so?
5. Why is Johnny wild?
6. Why wouldn't Johnny teach Baby the lifts right away?
7. What exactly are 'spaghetti arms'?
8. What is 'ga-gunk'?
9. And how is that like a heart beat?
10. Why is her sister so ugly?
11. Why can't Marge line it up?
12. What was the point of the wigs?
13. Why is this the time of my life?
14. When the towel is on Robbie's doorknob, why does Lisa walk in? Everyone knows what that means.
15. Why can Robbie put his pickle on everyone's plate?
16. Why does Johnny use a log to open the car?
17. Why does Penny still have a better body than Baby after being pregnant and having a back alley abortion?
18. How will Lisa decorate the world?
19. Why does Johnny beat his feet while Penny and Baby dance?
20. Why is Baby such a spaz? (blogger note: Let's all work together to bring this term back. Together we can do it.)
21. Why do the Shoemachers carry so many wallets?
22. Why does Baby wear white Keds with no socks to dance?
23. Why does Baby wear a white tank top to practice lifts in the water?
24. Why does Baby look like crap for the big dance?
25. How come no female in this movie has any hips?

This was the first thing the talent here at The Random Banana ever wrote. It seemed fitting that it should be the very first thing posted to our blog.