Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Peacocking and the Sponsored Guest



Vegas is a veritable playground for the rich and the wannabe rich, a place where anything goes. A place where your room key is checked every time you access the elevators, in an effort to weed out the prosties. It’s as though the entire city is socially stuck in the 80s, still allowing excess and greed to reign supreme. It’s’ a place where Gordon Geeko would blend. During my most recent trip to the unholy land, I learned two fascinating tidbits: one a ritual and one a ruse.  

The ritual – peacocking, when one dresses for attention.  But it’s not just your run of the mill peacocking, this is bold, balls to the wall shit. We’re talking attention grabbing, young, scantily clad women, seeking filthy rich men. It happens by the pool, in the casino and right on the strip, regardless of who is around.  These Vegas peacocks are after the almighty buck and have no limits whatsoever.  

The ruse – the sponsored guest.  I discovered this little secret when I was at the gift shop and tried to charge some items to my room. The super chatty clerk told me that after years of being thrown into the middle of couple fights, the hotel devised a plan to put an end to their involvement in the debauchery. So they created the sponsored guest. It’s essentially what every Vegas peacocker dreams of becoming. It’s a very classy way of describing any sexually based professional or mistress staying with a legitimate hotel guest. You know, like Vivian in Pretty Woman.  All interactions with these guests are treated discretely, allowing what happens in Vegas, to truly stay in Vegas. 

Needless to say, this prude was blown away. Although, I would have loved to be in the meeting where the difference between a lowly prostitute and a sponsored guest was determined.

Waiting for Dracula

I still can't stop laughing about this one. My parents recorded Van Wilder and watched it thinking it was Van Helsing. They wasted 92 minutes of their lives waiting for Dracula. He never came.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Two Years, One Tribute


It’s been two years since our beloved P Swayze died. He passed away during a tumultuous time. Along with John Hughes and Michael Jackson, he was part of a trifecta of celebs that perished during the summer of 2009. Sasha and I decided that someone was trying to kill our childhood. I saw Dirty Dancing at the theatre 8 times when it came out. It’s probably the movie I’ve seen most in my life. Needless to say I mourned his passing. So last night, I was channel surfing and happened upon Point Break. I quickly informed my sister that it was on and we had a two woman tribute. So pop in your favourite Swayze pic and have at it.
Fun sidebar – as I was watching the movie I realized that a good buddy story is quite similar to a romantic comedy with regards to the relationship between the two lead characters. I dare you to watch it and tell me that Swayze and Reeves are not in love. The guy from Hot Fuzz agrees with me:
“Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!”

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Nice Manners Babe!


At a recent press junket during the Venice Film Festival, Madonna was given flowers by a fan. The kind gesture revealed her hidden rage against hydrangeas. She "absolutely loathes them". In an attempt to explain this rage, her sharp as a whip publicist released the following statement:

"She's entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn't want to hurt the feelings of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangea lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers."

This may be the best statement ever made by any publicist. She didn't want to hurt the feelings of the hydrangeas of the world??? Really, what the fuck! I didn't realize hydrangeas were so sensitive. I would love the world's hydrangeas and their lovers to band together and form a coalition against the Material Girl.

This only solidifies what we've all known for awhile now - Madonna is a complete and total asshole.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

There's a New Sheriff in Town

Killer whales are eating sharks. Sea creatures everywhere rejoice.

The Wahlberg Brothers


Mark and Donnie are opening a burger joint in Boston and calling it Wahlburgers! Genius.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Fall Fairs or The Time I Nearly Killed A Man With My Thighs



I love a good fall fair. The fried foods, the lights, the rides, the carnies, the cotton candy, the pepto bismol. It's a good time. A few years back I went to the local fair with some friends. It was grand old time. We sang "You're the One That I Want" at the funhouse and I made each of them win me a stuffed cheetah for the top of my old tv. It wasn't until we hit the rides that I nearly killed a man with my thighs. We were on the pirate ship, the big ship that swings back and forth, and sitting beside me was a friend who had much thinner legs than mine. I thought nothing of it until we were in motion and he kept lifting off the seat. I was pinned to the seat, but the poor bugger beside me was free floating. He was a good sport and didn't mention that he was nearly killed. But I was there, I know.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Low Voiced Ladies Stick Together


I have a low voice for a lady and I have a unisex name. I gave up correcting strangers on the phone many years ago. It gets so awkward after someone has decided you're a man and you tell them you are actually a fine ass woman with a deep and soulful voice. A while ago at work, a prominent psychic called me about some boring work stuff. He did a quick reading, and got a number of things right. Which was kind of freaky. He tells me some things about my past and gives a few predictions for the future. After he got a few things right, I was really lapping it up. I'm not really one for psychics, but I'm open minded. And then it happened. He called me 'young man'. Some psychic he turned out to be.

As a low voiced lady I keep tabs on famous low voiced ladies. We got to stick together. Here for your consideration is a list of some of my favourites.

Kathleen Turner - How great was it when she played Chandler's dad on Friends? I have a real soft spot for Kathleen Turner Overdrive. In fact, I have an autographed picture of her in my office.
Demi Moore - She was once nearly raped by a dolphin and I've heard she was named after a shampoo.
Kirstie Alley - You know how everyone has their trilogy? Some have the original Star Wars or some have Lord of the Rings. Mine is Look Who's Talking. Kirstie Alley is a genius.
Toni Braxton - She's so tiny and her voice so deep. I like that.
Scarlett Johansson - Sean Penn? Really?
Cher - Cher is the alpha and the omega of low voiced ladies. Now you know.
T-Boz - My favourite member of TLC. I know, I know. Yours is Left Eye. And I can dig that. But T-Boz has the low voice and as I've mentioned we stick together.
Maya Angelou - This caged bird sings low and husky. Yeah, you read that.
Lisa Marie Presley - Think about her and Michael Jackson on the phone. Isn't that great?
Mae West - Sassy and brassy. What's not to like?
Jamie Lee Curtis - I don't want to hear any hermaphrodite talk. Sometimes a lady just talks low. It doesn't mean she has a hidden penis. Did you know she has a title? She's Lady Haden-Guest. Her husband, Christopher Guest of Spinal Tap fame, is a baron.
Whoopi Goldberg - She has no eyebrows and pulls it off. Many people don't even notice. Her and Ted Danson were once a couple and that fascinates me.
Martha Stewart - I think Martha tries to hide her smoky tones through elocution. Have you ever seen her on Conan? If not hunt around youtube and see if you can find it. It's a good thing.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Movie Curses - The Exorcist


The Exorcist is based on the actual possession of a young boy in 1949 Georgetown. During filming and post production of the 1973 classic, nine people died. An urban legend suggests that anyone involved with the film will be cursed for life. The cast and crew have given numerous interviews, describing and validating the events that occurred on set. Here are some highlights:

  • Director William Friedkin had a priest come to the set and perform multiple exorcisms.
  • A mysterious fire at the production studio destroyed the set of the MacNeil house. However, there was no damage to Regan’s bedroom. 
  • Both Linda Blair and Ellen Burstyn injured their spines during filming. 
  • Linda Blair also suffered a mental breakdown while playing Regan MacNeil. 
  • Actors Jack MacGowran and Vasiliki Maliaros died before the film's release. Their characters die in the movie.
  • Post-production for the film was done at 666 Fifth Avenue in New York City.
As far as curses go, this one is a doozy. The scariest part is these are only some of the incidents that took place during the making of The Exorcist. Note to self - tread lightly when telling a story about the devil.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Silver Foxes



Like a fine wine, these men get better with age:

Sean Connery
Patrick Dempsey
John Stamos
Robert Redford
Paul Newman!
Sting
Brad Pitt
Sean Bean
George Clooney
Bruce Willis 
Bruce Springsteen
Gabriel Byrne
Daniel Day Lewis
Kevin Bacon
LL Cool J
David Duchovny
Jeff Bridges


Once Upon a Hottie...



A collection of Hollywood's former finest:

Kathleen Turner
Val Kilmer
Mickey Rourke
Meg Ryan
John Travolta
Luke Wilson
Vince Vaughan
William and Daniel Baldwin
Brendan Fraser
Heather Locklear
Darryl Hannah
Beverly D’Angelo
Tom Cruise
Kirstie Alley
Kelly LeBrock
Nick Nolte
Nicole Eggert


Monday, August 22, 2011

Great Quote from Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"I'd also like to add that I've got my father's gun and a scorching case of herpes." - Jeannie Bueller

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Ovaries, the Moon and You

I like to watch the weather network sometimes. One of the many things you can find out about the weather on this station is the current moon phase. I was forcing my poor roommate to watch the weather with me and she commented "It's a half moon tonight. Good to know."

Shortly afterwards my brother came home and the following exchange occurred.
"Did you know that a woman can tell what the moon phase is by focusing in on her ovaries?" I asked my brother. Like most men the lady plumbing and its powers both mystify and horrify him.
"Bullshit." said my brother, quite rightly.
"No, that's true. Emily, what do you think? I feel like it's a half moon." I said as factually as possible.
"Hmmm. Yeah. I think it's a halfer." she replied.

My brother headed to the window to see what kind of moon we were dealing with that night. Sure enough it was a half moon. He turned around with a look I assume a lot of those ladies in Salem saw shortly before being burned at the stake. This look was quickly replaced by one of incredulity as I fell off the couch laughing at the bugger buying it for just a moment.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Things We Don't Understand About Adventures in Babysitting



 1. Why can’t Chris see that Mike Toddwell is such an asshole with a
      license plate like “So   Cool”?
 2. What’s happening with Brad’s hair?
 3. Why is Brenda such a hot mess?
 4. How do they not notice the car thief when they get into the
      Cadillac?
 5. Why does Joe Gipp take Chris and the kids to the chop shop?
 6. Why does Brad feel a notarized contract is a good option for the
      mob?
 7. How blind is Brenda?
 8. Why does the slanted top building attract so much trouble in
      Chicago?
 9. Why can’t anyone leave without singing the blues?
10. Why all the teens with cheque books?
11. Why can’t the Lords of Hell fuck with the babysitter?
12. Why doesn’t anyone care that the kid has a Playboy in her
        backpack?
13. How does the Playboy dictionary define oral gratification?
14. What exactly is a bohunk?
15. If not Chris Parker, then who is the lady in the Playboy?
16. Should Elizabeth Shue be concerned that she has a nude posing
       doppelganger?
17. Everybody goes onto the Expressway without a spare!
18. Is Joe Gipp (the car thief) trying to nail Chris Parker?
19. Who is Shaeleen?
20. Why isn’t anyone surprised by the child at a frat party?
21. Not one person at the office party notices the child in red
       hanging out the window?
22. Full contact info on a roller skate?
23. Could that little girl be more of an asshole?
24. Where does one get their hands on a good pair of mustard
        gloves?


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Morning in the Movies

Am I missing something? Am I the only person in the world who hits the snooze button multiple times and has a precisely timed morning routine that leaves no room for error? Why does Hollywood love to pretend that weekday mornings are a time for leisurely breakfasts, workouts, coffee dates and sexual adventures? What time do these people get up? I don’t even start talking until 9AM, let alone have a quickie and a grand slam breakfast before my shower. I just don’t get it.

When Did This Happen??

                    Neville Longbottom is handsome. Who knew?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Commuter Thoughts: Ring Around the Collar

I live in Toronto and I don't drive a car. I walk to work or in bad weather I hop on a streetcar. It takes me about 20 minutes with or without the streetcar. I fill those 20 minutes with meandering thoughts about silly things as I am unlikely to delve into the deeper stuff in that kind of time allotment. I think about things like 'Is it worth it to trade eating whatever food I like for the easy, breezy life of a house pet?' or 'When spelling my name in ketchup or other assorted squeezy condiments, is it better to print or use cursive writing? Do they even teach cursive writing anymore?' or 'I bet Zorro peed in the Z-formation too.' etc. Today I was thinking about a former scourge of earth - ring around the collar. When I was wee in the eighties it seemed to me that buying laundry detergent was mainly based on the ability of said detergent to get rid of this dreaded staining. If your detergent failed to remove the grimy ring you would be a social outcast, subject to the whispers and judgements of your peers. Check out the photo above. Ring around the collar was a problem even in Elizabethan times. Word is that's what the ruffled collar was supposed to prevent. I don't remember the last time I heard about ring around the collar. Have we eradicated it? Are people's necks less dirty or oily? Has detergent advanced so much that ring around the collar has gone the way of small pox? I don't know. I just don't know.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Jumping the Shark: How I Met Your Mother Edition



It happens to good shows all the time. They start off amazing, then something happens and it all goes to shit. I have a hard time letting these once enthralling gems go. So I get stuck watching crap and longing for the days when I actually cared. But sometimes it gets so bad you just have to throw in the towel.

A prime example of a show jumping the shark is How I Met Your Mother. Remember when you cared who the mother was? When Marshall and Lily were awesome? When Robin was witty and Barney was legen…wait for it…dary! Now Ted is a giant douche bag, Robin and Lily have lost their funny and Marshall is sad all the time. Please stop torturing your audience. This isn’t Lost. Stop flashing forward to the future where shit is going down. That begs another question: why isn’t this story set in the future, it seems so much more interesting there? And just stop with the yellow umbrella already.

What happened to the writers on this show? Maybe they just stopped caring because they used to churn out golden comedic moments like the slap bet, the bro code and Robin Sparkles. Now all we get is a forced relationship between Barney and Robin and the death of Marshall’s father. WTF? Don’t kill people on sitcoms. This should be a sacred rule. It doesn’t work in comedy. Death isn’t funny.

So I guess there is something to be said about going out when you’re on top. I think Ferris Bueller said it best: “You’re still here? It’s over. Go home.”

Friday, June 24, 2011

100 Most Influential People of the Millennium


Let me take you back...way back. To 1999. I was living in a house with a gaggle of girls in Kingston. Six ladies, one bathroom. It was like Lord of the Flies. But that's not really the point of this story. Shortly before New Year's A&E was airing a special about the 100 most influential people of the millennium. This list included the likes of Einstein, Freud, Newton, Pasteur, Hitler, Ghandi etc. We were sat around our tiny 90's tube tv watching this special (let's take a moment to apprciate the effin' sweetness of modern tv's... ok you're done now). For a reason that has been lost to time, Aimee and I had to leave the house before the show was over. Upon our return we asked our roomate, Cooter (though it wasn't her real name) who was number one on the list. Mind you, when we left I think it was at number 5 or so and it was Shakespeare.


"It was Steve Guttenberg." Cooter responded with great confidence.


"Like Police Academy Steve Guttenberg?!? He ranks above Napoleon and Abe Lincoln?" I asked, clearly taken aback by how much Three Men and a Baby really meant to people.


"The guy who invented the printing press was in Police Academy?"


"No, I don't think so. But I'm pretty sure he was in Short Circuit." sometimes I can't resist...




The post script here is that to this day whenever Aimee or I see or hear about Steve Guttenberg we always mention that he was the most influential person of the millennium. From now on I hope that you will too.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Power of David Lee Roth Compels You

It was a rainy Tuesday. I was waiting for a streetcar after work with a sorry excuse for an umbrella. A disheveled drunk man was pestering the commuters around me. I knew it was only a matter of time until he made his way to me. Crazy folks on the street just do that. I had my trusty iPod and I hoped that maybe I could get away with the old 'I can't hear you, so you're not there'. I couldn't and we (me and the smelly drunk guy, not me and my trusty iPod) had the following exchange.
"Hi. Hi. Hi." drunky slurred in my face.

I tried to ignore him.

"HI. HEY."

I pulled out my earphone and hoped to Christ that the streetcar shows up real soon.

"Yeah." says I.

"Are you (hic) are you listening to Black Sabbath?" asked the wino thickly.

"No. Van Halen."

"Well. You have a good night, sweetheart." said the drunk brightly and coherently.

And with that he wandered away. True story. The power of David Lee Roth compelled him.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Great Quote from The Other Guys


              "Thanks for the F shack." - Dirty Mike and the Boys

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tupac: Alive or No


Is Tupac Shakur alive? Let's look at what we know.

  1. Tupac was alive at one point. We know that for sure.
  2. He made rap (and the occasional movie).
  3. He is still releasing music.

Now let's look at reasons why he might be alive.
  1. Makaveli theory. Tupac called himself Makaveli. Nicolo Machiavelli was an Italian Renaissance man. Literally. He's one of the fathers of modern political science, and if you've ever read "The Prince" you'll likely have a sense of his general douchebaggy-ness. I'm just saying. One of the things Machiavelli talks about is faking your own death to fool your enemies. The idea here is that Tupac told us via a name change that he was going to be faking his own death. As Elvis and Jim Morrison could have told Tupac, the first rule of faking your own death is: you do not talk about faking your own death.
  2. Future sneakers. There are two videos in which Tupac is wearing sneakers that were not available when he died. In the videos for "Toss It Up" and "To Live and Die in L.A." he is seen in these mysterious shoes of the future.
  3. Bulletproof. Tupac always wore a bullet proof vest. Word on the street is this makes it much harder to die of a gun shot wound.
  4. The shot up car and Suge. Twelve shots were fired into Tupac's car and not one hit Suge Knight. But, to quote Denis Leary "We live in a country where John Lennon takes five bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her.". So I think bullets work differently in the USA.
Of course we need to lool at reasons why he might actually be dead.

  1. Hospital. Tupac died of respiratory failure after being shot in the chest. That's a tough one to fake. It would be far easier to go with a boat sinking like Olivia Newton-John's ex-boyfriend (look it up, it's a good one).
  2. Murder investigation. However lacklustre the investigation may have been, it was still opened. Generally speaking, that is rarely done without an actual death.
  3. If Tupac paid off police, hospital staff, coroners and anyone else who may have to be involved - the secret would have leaked many years ago. Like Ben Franklin said "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
It is important to consider all sides of a story when considering the likely truth. So chew it over it your mindhole and decide for yourself... Tupac: alive or no.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Christina Aguilera


I really hope that Ms Aguilera has sent Charlie Sheen some kind of thank you. A card, a basket of mini muffins or perhaps even some tiger blood. Seriously though, Christina Aguilera owes major kudos to Sheen.  In recent weeks she has flubbed the lyrics to the American anthem at the Super Bowl, nearly gone ass over tea kettle on stage at the Grammys and spent the night in jail for public drunkenness. All classy moves for the boozy pop diva, but nobody seems to give a shit right now. That’s because it’s all about Charlie Sheen. Everything else is child’s play.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Charlie Sheen


Charlie Sheen has been very busy these days waging a war against Warner Brothers and cranking out memorable one-liners, such as "Thomas Jefferson was a pussy", "I'm tired of pretending I'm not a bitchin rock star from Mars" and my personal favourite "Dying is for fools, amateurs". His meltdown of epic proportions was inevitable. His behavior has always been erratic.

But after his now infamous 20/20 interview piqued my curiosity, I decided to dig a little deeper into the life of Mr. Sheen. Almost instantly I came across this little known nugget: he once dated and became engaged to actress Kelly Preston. Their relationship ended abruptly when he “accidentally” shot her in the arm. What the fuck? Why have I never heard this before? What other skeletons does this man have in his closet? I stopped digging. Some things are just too scary.

Get some help Charlie. When Mel Gibson calls to offer his support, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.