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The Ultimate Killing Machine

An epic battle is about to be unleashed on this blog. There are people out there who believe that sharks aren’t the evil assholes of the sea. I am not one of those people. When I was a tender 4 year old I had my own brush with this beast and I haven’t been the same since. It was a warm and sunny day in Florida. My Gramps and I decided to go swimming in the Gulf of Mexico and made it all the way out to a sandbar. On our way back to shore, a fin broke through the surface of the water and started circling us. I was frantic and climbed onto my grandfather’s head. Then something miraculous happened, a dolphin appeared. My theory, there was a shark in the water and my pal flipper put a kibosh on his attack. Dolphins are notorious for protecting humans from sharks, but that’s another story. My brush with this dark creature has left a permanent mark on my psyche. Even when I’m swimming in my pool, the thought of that deadly beast and his razor sharp teeth pops into my head and I fear for my dangling feet. Do I blame Jaws? No. I blame the sharks that keep eating people.


For over 420 million years sharks have been swimming in the world’s oceans. They predate dinosaurs and have developed into a staggering 440 different species. Apparently, the chance of being attacked by a shark is 1 in 11.5 million. I don’t buy that for a second and here’s why: In the year 2000 there were 79 reported shark attacks and 11 fatalities, the most in recorded history, with the majority occurring in the United States (keep in mind that statistics only reflect reported attacks). So were these apex predators just having a bad year? Do they hate Americans? Or are they working on a secret mission to kill us all?

Here are some more startling facts: sharks have sensory organs that allow them to detect electricity generated by movement in the water. Recent studies prove that they hunt their prey like serial killers – terrifying!! If shark attacks are a case of mistaken identity, then why do they devour humans, leaving no remains in some cases? It’s simple, because sharks are killing machines, they will attack anything that gets in their way. And don’t even get me started on this new thing where great whites can propel their entire bodies out of the water. It’s just another shocking sign of their rapid evolution.

So to the sharks I say this, why can’t you just back the fuck up and give us the shore? You have the whole damn sea to call your home, so learn to share. Stop being such assholes. There are literally, plenty of fish in the sea, so eat them. I respect the sea and its many creatures, so much so that I won’t even go into the water anymore. But hear my warning people: the sharks are out to get us, so swim at your own risk.