The Rules #6: Don't Mess With A Level Five Wizard

Have you ever been at a gathering and had some obnoxious fuck try and challenge you on every word you say? Yeah, me too. After about five minutes you want to strangle the ever-lovin' life right out of him/her. You are right to feel this way, too many people have had their self-esteem fed by lies their parents have told them. So many schmucks with opinions they think matter, whether or not they have any knowledge of the subject. Hence Rule 6...

6. Don't Mess With A Level Five Wizard.

A level five wizard is someone who knows their shit, I mean really knows their shit. When a level five wizard is messed with, the messer will often be verbally castrated and left standing mouth agape while the rest of the crowd titters. Back in my university days I lived with a girl who was pre-med and smart as a whip. We called her 2. Well one day this girl no one particularly cared for was having a rant about something biology based and claiming the ideas as her own. This was fine with me, knowing sweet jack about biology. But 2, she knew better. So this bitch jaws on and on and I'm glazing over because I'm not at all interested, and then it happened... "That's page 620 in Biology Today. And it's unproven." Oh shit. It was sweet. She 'Goodwill Huntinged' that smug bitch. And she just stood there. The rest of us were laughing, and she just stood there...angry. Knowing when to shut the fuck up is a lost art. Sometimes we all run off at the mouth, it is to be expected. However, you must recognize when you are out of your depth. This whole new age-y 'your self-esteem is more important than being right' is bullshit. Far too many people are out there walking around thinking that they are unique snowflakes with valuable thoughts and feelings on every fucking subject. It's funny how we have gone from every one having low self-esteem to the better part of a generation having an inflated self-image for no reason at all. I'm sure there is a happy medium out there, but I don't think we are going to reach it through therapy - far too much validation there. Anyway, loyal readers I am ranting.

A Tribute to Beverly Hills 90210

Beverly Hills 90210 is turning 20 this October. Yes you read that right, 20! It debuted on Fox in October of 1990. I was a naive 11 at the time and still remember it like it was yesterday. The love triangles, the sideburns, the high-waisted jeans and colourful blazers are only a few of the things that come to mind when I look back at a series that defined the 90s. Lets be honest here, the true glory days of the show were the Brenda years, seasons 1 through 4. After she left, 90210 tried desperately to recapture its glory and find a new bitch, but Shannen Doherty's shoes were much too big to fill. Nothing against Tiffany Amber Thiessan, but she couldn't hold a candle to Brenda's antics. Smoking pot does not trump running away to Mexico with Dylan.

One of my favourite characters on the show was Andrea Zukerman. The Zuk was the oldest looking of them all. Now it was obvious that none of these actors were in their teens, but Andrea looked like a soccer mom right from the get go. This didn't seem to stop her from having a long drawn out and often times severely uncomfortable relationship with Brandon. Oh Brandon, what a gem he was. The all American guy, played by a Canadian. But the two never really made things work, they just danced around each other for years. Her moves are legendary. Barney Stinson could learn a thing or two from her play book. That seriously disturbing ride on the carousel where she "gives" herself to Brandon. I mean, come on! A teen drama doesn't get much better than that.

I also have to give a shout out to Jim and Cindy Walsh. They were among the greatest TV parents. Always helpful and wholesome, the Walshes were gracious hosts and the voice of reason for their out of control daughter and her wild friends. Thankfully the writers knew this show was about the teens and kept Jim and Cindy on the back burner.

Let’s take a look at some of the best moments and episodes the show had to offer. The entire Brenda/Dylan courtship. The Kelly/Brenda/Dylan triangle that ended in the best line of all time on a teen drama "I hate you both. Never talk to me again" Now that's some great writing! The entire story arc surrounding Emily Valentine. The Euphoria episode in particular, which paired up Steve and the Zuk was pure comic genius and Dylan stepping in to handle everything was just plain awesome. When the alcoholic of the group is in charge, you know you're in trouble. The summer episodes, which essentially catapulted the show to super stardom, were incredible. The Zuk laying down the law with Brandon on the beach is priceless. The spring dance episode where Brenda and Dylan do it and Steve reveals he's adopted. The Palm Springs episode where Brenda sleeps in a broom closet on her quest to find Dylan. What more can I say? These gems speak for themselves.

So I say thanks to Aaron Spelling for teaching us all how to properly throw a teen tantrum and navigate the muddy waters of adolescence. We forgive you for ramming your goody two shoes daughter down our throats. Although it makes me feel incredibly old to remember something that happened 20 years ago, I can look back with joy at a show that helped shape my childhood. I will definitely be watching some key episodes in October to celebrate this hard to believe milestone!

The 25 Scariest Movies

The fall is my favourite time of the year. It's a combination of many things that make it so special. The vibrant colours, the sweaters, the stews, and last but not least, the scary movies. Scary movies are a portal into the dark side of humanity. They are the nightmares of the collective unconscious. I personally love the experience of being scared from the safety of my living room and exploring uncommon emotions. So I decided to compile a list of my favourite scary movies, which includes titles from both the horror and thriller genres. There is a marked difference between the two genres. In a nutshell, horror movies are gory, intense and easy to follow. Thrillers are a different ball of wax, where story drives the plot and characters aren't as expendable. Once you add layers to your characters and create a villain who kills for a reason, you've got yourself a thriller. Silence of the Lambs is a thriller. People don't win Oscars for horror movies, I’m just saying!


One more thing, unless specified, I’m always referring to the original versions of these movies. Don’t even get me started on the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween or the unwatchable, atrocious recreation of Black Christmas.

So with Halloween fast approaching, here are my favourite scary movies, in no particular order:

• Halloween
• Scream
• Friday the 13th
• Rosemary's Baby
• The Shinning
• Night of the Living Dead
• The Exorcist
• A Nightmare on Elm Street
• Saw
• The Omen
• The Ring
• Suspiria
• The Strangers
• Black Christmas
• Psycho
• The Silence of the Lambs
• The Exorcism of Emily Rose
• Seven
• Jaws
• Poltergeist
• Misery
• The Mothman Prophecies
• Evil Dead
• Paranormal Activity
• The Blair Witch Project

"What the hell is on my hand?!?"

I was taking a Thanksgiving stroll through Chinatown with my papa. We were crossing a street through a crowd of people and suddenly I felt something sticky on the back of my hand. So I look, as one would in such a situation, and across the back of my hand is a white gloop of sticky. My first instinct as to what had landed on my hand was bird poop. Get your mind out the gutter, readers. My second instinct was your first instinct, you dirty birds. I yell out "WHAT THE HELL IS ON MY HAND?!?" and my dad turns around and sees the look of horror, disgust and need for hand sanitizer on my face and quickly notes the lady who just walked by us with a big drippy vanilla ice cream cone. Ever the gentleman, my papa handed me a tissue and pointed to the lady with the ice cream. And then he laughed for while. I'm still not 100% sold on the ice cream theory - but it is far better than than my initial thoughts. Needless to say, I washed my hands with soap, very hot water and vigor as soon as I could.

Don't Stop Believing

It’s October in Toronto. The leaves are changing colour and Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means the puck is about to drop on another hockey season. It becomes apparent at this time every year that Toronto is the Mecca of hockey. Even though the Toronto Maple Leafs have failed to make the playoffs for the last several years and haven’t won the Stanley Cup since 1967, their fans still believe. At the start of every season, we all have a renewed optimism. But being a Leafs fan is not for the faint of heart. In fact, it’s a tiresome, soul crushing task. It’s like being in an abusive, codependent relationship. Every season they say they’re going to change, that things will be different and we trust them. Yet, every year they fail and we just keep coming back for more. The bottom line is we want our beloved buds to win. And one of these days it will happen. It just has to. So I say, put on your rally caps and start growing those beards because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with believing.

Make the Bad Man Stop

Have you ever watched a movie that stuck with you for days? It doesn't necessarily have to be scary, disturbing is a better way to describe it. I'm talking about movies that leave a lasting impression, that permanently burn disconcerting images into your mind. Now, I must preface this list by explaining that I am 100% white meat. I don't have dark fantasies about killing baby animals or having someone pee on me. No offense if that's you're bag, but I'm a prude. I do have an open mind though. I understand that this is merely the tip of a very dark and dirty iceberg. That being said, I have seen a lot of movies. Some have become favourites, some are forgettable, but here is a list of the movies I wish I never watched:

A Clockwork Orange
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Deliverance
Sybil
Irreversible
Last House on the Left
Boys Don't Cry
Requiem for a Dream
Hostel 2
Mystic River
The Kite Runner

So there you have it. Watch at your own risk. You've been warned.

The Rules #5: Don't Dip Your Pen In The Company Ink

We're all the way to Rule 5, where does the time go? This particular rule is a bear trap most have been snared in at some point, and although there are exceptions to this one, most of us will only end up chewing our leg off to get away.

5. Don't dip your pen in the company ink.

Seriously, don't. It rarely ends well and then you are forced into prolonged contact with an ex. Who the hell wants that? Even masochists shy away. The only time anyone really wants to "stay friends" is if he/she is still feeling mushy towards the ex and holds out hope that the ex will see the light and come running back through a field of wild grass and daisies with open arms. Or something like that. Dating co-workers tends to follow a certain pattern. In the beginning there is flirtation and it's all in good fun, work goes by much faster and rarely sucks. Then there is the unveiling, the official announcement of couplehood to the workplace. This usually will make someone uncomfortable, most of the time it is someone in charge who sees nothing but trouble ahead. Your boss won't say much, but you will get the impression he/she is a little on edge about the whole thing. Initial reactions blow over, and everything is fine. Your productivity is down due to the distraction factor, but slack is cut and it rolls along like any other relationship. And then the fighting hits. You both agree not to drag your problems into work and it doesn't really happen because everyone around you 40hrs a week can tell something's up even though nothing has been mentioned. There are whispers in the workplace now. "They are on the rocks, I can tell. I give it a month." So you break up and everyone knows. You are treated differently, people ask you if you are ok all the time and the forced friendliness with your ex can exasperate any situation. Now you have no escape. The best thing about work when you are sad in a relationship way is the escape. You plod about your day in a usual way and there is some strange comfort in the whole thing. Routines are funny that way. But when you've dipped in the company ink it is there all the time. I repeat: ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And it sucks. Loyal readers beware, it is a tempting fruit with worms hidden inside. Eww worms.