Great Quote from The Wedding Crashers

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.” – Mrs. Kroeger

From the Kitchen of Loretta Divoon - Crab Dip

This is a classic recipe that I've tweaked over the years. It's a crowd pleaser, so you might want to make a double batch. Enjoy!!

1 package of cream cheese

2 tins of crab meat

¼ cup finely chopped Spanish onion

1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese

1 tsp of horseradish

½ tsp of black pepper

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 tbsp of chopped fresh parsley

Juice of half a lemon

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Open the 2 tins of crab and drain most of the liquid off. I prefer to use Clover Leaf crab meat, but you can use any kind you like. In an oven safe bowl, combine the cream cheese and crab. You still want there to be chunks of crab here, so don’t over mix. Stir in the remainder of the ingredients. Bake for 25-30 minutes until the dip is brown and bubbly. Let stand 5 minutes. Serve with crackers or fresh baguette.

Paranormal Activity Quote

"You go out and get the best looking fucking Ouija board I've ever seen and put it in the middle of our living room? Explain that to me." - Katie

The Rules: #2 Don't Fuck Around

2. Don't fuck around
i) Don't break the code

This is the "do unto others.." rule. Ideally, if you don't fuck around, then you will not be fucked with in return. As we all know karma can be a bitch, and none of us want to be staring at the business end of a karmic hissy fit. I understand that sometimes the urge to mess with people is tempting, in fact it can be downright overwhelming, but we must resist. It can be boring, I won't lie, but in the end when your shit isn't falling apart because of some he said/she said silliness you will be grateful. This rule applies to many real life scenarios. Take a furnace for example. Your world is spinning comfortably round and round, and then your furnace conks and you are very cold. You might think you can get in there and fix it right up, but chances are pretty good that you are in fact in over your head. If you are a general kinda person like myself, with no furnace based training, it is in your best interest not to fuck around - your house might explode. The appendage on Rule 2 was initially thought to be obvious, but over the last few years I have noticed that many people are totally ignorant to The Code. The Code started as a guy thing, a code of conduct if you will, passed from father to son for generations. However, I think it's time to put it out there for all the sexes to see. For the sake of authenticity I will keep it in guyspeak.

The Code

- Do not hit on or sleep with your buddy's girlfriend or mom.
- If your friend and his girlfriend were at all serious and have since broken up, she is off limits. Not necessarily forever, but for a long, long time and she is not to be persued without his ok.
- Do not "cock block", it is not funny. Unless it is clearly for your friend's own good, then and only then is it allowed.
- Do not leave a drowning man at the bar/party/wherever. If he is drunk enough to puke or fight he needs a babysitter.
- If your friend is getting his ass kicked you are under obligation to help in whatever way you can.
- If you are a wing man, know your role.
- If a friend is hurting in some emotional way you must take him out, get him drunk and show him a good time. He may not have a good time, but one needs to be shown to him.

That's just a quick run down of The Code as it has been explained to me. It is common sense, just like "don't fuck around" but I thought it needed to be spelled out. Rule 3 is on it's way. Same bat-time, same bat-channel. Only this one has a Kenny Rogers reference...

Great Quote from The House Bunny

"The eyes are the nipples of the face." - Shelley

The Forgotten... PCU

PIVEN'S HAIRLINE TRUTH 1994.

PCU is a great film. Let me tell you why in point form.
- as indicated above, Piven's hairline truth is all over this movie
- introduction of "don't be that guy" in reference to the guys who wear the band's t-shirt to the show
- a vegan protest ending in meat throwing
- funk legend George Clinton
- a young and tubby Jon Favreau as Gutter
- David Spade's young republican Rand, head of the Balls and Shaft secret society
- the Womynists quotes:
"You participated in a phallus naming?"
"Hey, hey. Ho, ho. The Penis Party has got to go!"
"You dated a white a male?"
- college president Andrea (it's pronounced ON-DREE-UH) Garcia-Thompson saying "Well I think Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building."

Mel Gibson

What an asshole.

The Rules: #1 Don't Fuck Crazies

Don't fuck crazies. Just don't. You put the key in the lock and you open the door, if you know what I mean. I'm sure many of you have had problems of this variety, and they are not fun. It seems harmless at the time, "What could he/she possibly do to me? He/She seems to like me, I don't think it'll be a problem." Well, you are very wrong. It will be a problem, and usually a big one. I don't know why crazy people unleash the fury when the sex goes down, they just do. Sometimes it is best not to question known truths, why is not always that important. I learned this in math class. There is one amendment on this rule. The crazy balance is what I call it. The crazy balance is a personal choice. You see, we are all crazy which sets up a bit of a paradox, and in order to still have any sex at all you must decide what your level of crazy is and how crazy you are willing to go. For example, if I have decided that I am mid-range crazy, more of your cooky variety, then I must decide if I am willing to go into upper mid-level crazy, possibly medicated but not in need of institutionalization. Knowing that there are consequences to every action, you need to weigh out your crazy balance. When this ends will I have to call the cops? Will I have to change my phone number? Will friends and future mates experience any fall out? If you think you can handle a level five red flag crazy (voices in the head and maybe some feces flinging), well, go for it. But I wouldn't recommend it without serious forethought or being a level five red flag crazy yourself. Generally, most will find that they are willing to go no more than one crazy level above themselves. Stay tuned, loyal readers. Rule two is coming down the pipe.

Feathered Dinosaurs

BIG BIRD: RAAAAAWR
SNUFFLEUPAGUS: Oh shit!
BIG BIRD (gnashing teeth): SCREECH, RAAAWR

Fossils found in China provide evidence of feathered dinosaurs. Not all dinosaurs, but some. I can't decide whether I'm more terrified or slightly amused. But I do know that I prefer my dinosaurs lizardy. Let me preface this with a little bit of my history with birds. I don't like birds and they don't like me. Just last week I had a run in with a red-winged blackbird douchebag who wanted my nachos. Years ago, I worked at a glorified petting zoo where I had a summer long showdown with an emu who was an asshole. Every morning as I went by the emu, it would lower its head, spread its ineffectual wings and and try to disembowel me with its betaloned (I just made that word up) leg through a fence. For real, park staff had to reinforce the fence. To this day I try to eat emu whenever possible. Just as a 'fuck you, emu'. Anyway, that's just a taste of Sasha vs birds. Back to the feathery dinosaur. I think they lose a little something terror-wise when you add plumage. Consider the feather boa. Not scary. Unless you throw that boa on Buffalo Bill for a tucked lip sync. In light of this information the Mesozoic period in my head now looks like a pre-humanity Sesame Street with Big Bird tearing at the flesh of Snuffleupagus. On second thought, that is pretty god damned scary.

In Defence of White Chicks

"I tell people my favourite movie is Trainspotting. But my real favourite movie is White Chicks." - Sasha

If you haven't seen this cinematic gem, you are missing out. The basic premise of this film is simple, two black FBI agents go undercover as white socialites (think Paris Hilton) during a summer in the Hamptons. It seems like a basic plot, but what ensues is some of the funniest shit I have ever seen onscreen. Lets talk first about the way the "girls" look once they've had their makeover. Nobody seems to mind that they are built like brick shithouses, have hands the size of baseball mitts or have the most terrifying eyes in all the land.  My belief is suspended here and yours must be too in order to derive the maximum amount of pleasure from this comedy. So putting their unnatural skin tone and hulking frames aside, these chicks encounter various obstacles and hijinks ensue. There is a dance off, a dressing room breakdown from a hilarious Jennifer Carpenter (the potty mouthed Deb from Dexter) and a great blow job instructional. I can't make this shit up. This movie really does include something for everyone. There are elements of horror (see their makeup and you'll know what I mean), comedy, buddy comedy, romance, dirty romance, action and adventure. It's all encompassing. So put your judgements aside and enjoy one of the silliest, laugh out loud comedies of recent years. I dare you not to love it.

From the Kitchen of Loretta Divoon.... Mac and Cheese and Beer

half a package of macaroni
2.5 cups of grated sharp cheddar
half a cup of beer
2 tbsp of dijon
1 cup of milk
1 clove of peeled garlic
1 bay leaf
2 tbsp of butter
2 tbsp of flour
salt and pepper

Steep the milk with the bay leaf and garlic for 15 minutes. Melt the butter in a saucepan and whisk in the flour. Cook for about 1 minute. Remove garlic and bay leaf and gradually whisk in to the roux (the flour and butter part). Cook, stirring constantly until thick. Add beer and dijon, continually stirring until blended into the sauce. Add salt and pepper to taste. Still stirring over medium heat gradually add the grated cheese and stir until smooth. Add the sauce to slightly undercooked macaroni and stir. Put the macaroni and cheese in an oven safe dish, grate a little extra cheese on top and cook in a 425 degree oven until the cheese on top is golden brown.

Notes:
Something wrong with you if you don't like macaroni and cheese. Whenever I make this we all gather around the saucepan to lick the spoon. Like you did when you were little with icing. Except this is cheesy and beery. You want to get wild? I said DO YOU WANNA GET WILD? Then try a different cheese. I'm sort of emotional about cambozola these days.

Fun Facts: Families of the Famous

Tyka Nelson (Prince's Sister)

• Released an album in the 80's which she promoted by doing interviews with a stuffed blue dinosaur.
• Named her children Sir and President. Which means Uncle Prince has nephews named Sir and President.
• Former crack addict who hid an imaginary boyfriend in her home where she had tin foiled the windows.
• Her MySpace page has her listed as an unsigned artist although her brother owns a record label.

Paulina Bonaparte (Napoleon's Sister)

• Super slutty. Napoleon (I like to think she called him 'Naps' or 'Noopy') forced her to marry so she would stop sexing up or sexing down the men of Europe.
• Used servants as footstools. It probably went down like this - "Mon Dieu! Your back is so fat I must rest my feet upon it after an afternoon filled with the musk of questionable hygiene of men in the early 19th century."
  
• Napoleon made her the Duchess of Guastalla and then she promptly sold it.
  
• Possibly the first sibling of fame to pose nude. After the death of her Napoleon mandated husband, she posed for a full body nude sculpture to advertise the goods now that she was back on the market. Things were tough pre-Playboy.

Stephen Baldwin (Alec's Brother)

• Also famous, but much less so.
• Republican
  
• After 9/11 he became a born again Christian and began some ministries.
• Started "Breakthrough Ministry" which somehow combined Jesus and extreme sports in a stadium style venue. Let's cut him some slack here, everyone knows Jesus loves Motocross.
• Started another ministry called "Antioch Ministry" which is for-profit "to facilitate the gifts and calling of Stephen Baldwin". In a surprise twist, he filed for bankruptcy shortly after forming this ministry. In the interest of fairness, the website states that this was done on the behalf of Stephen Baldwin and he is not directly involved. Which I don't buy for a second.
• Has a Hannah Montana tattoo, which he permanently inked onto his body in hopes of scoring an appearance on the show. He has yet to appear on Hannah Montana.

Jackie Stallone (Sly's Mom)

• Former trapeze artist and chorus girl. I think that's pretty cool, but it gets much better from here.
• Promoted G.L.O.W. (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) in the 80's by rapping about her stable of lady wrestlers turning Miss Kittie's stable of lady wrestlers into kitty litter.
• Started a psychic hotline in the 90's. But who didn't?
• Asks dogs to tell her the future.
  
• Invented "rumpology" which is palm reading someone's ass.
  

Words That Sound Dirty

There is a story that runs around my family about my grandpa and I have no idea if it's true or not, it could go either way. The story goes like this - grandpa would walk p to someone on the street, tip his hat and say "Tickle your ass with a feather.". The person on the street would react with disgust and grandpa would give them a look that implied he/she was insane and then say "I said we're having particularly nice weather." and go about his business. It's probably illegal in some way to do that now. Hell, I don't know that it happened in the first place. But I like to think it did.

Here is a list for your consideration of words that sound dirty.

• Angina
• Titular
• Quiche
• Pianist
• Dipthong
• Fecund
• Kumquat
• Honeysuckle
• Ramification
• Masticate
• Cunning
• Fiduciary
• Renal
• Squat
• Cumin
• Condiment
• Shuttlecock
• Borscht
• Linguist

Of course there will be more. This is the kind of list that could go on for days.

The Forgotten... Jobu

Major League is woefully underrated and the most underrated character is Jobu. Jobu drinks rums, eats chickens (both the sacrificial and the Kentucky Fried kind) and smokes cigars in men's locker rooms. Which is how I plan to spend my golden years. He will hit a bitch in the head with a bat for stealing his rum because "is very bad to steal Jobu's rum". He will absolutely not help you hit a curve ball, but he will take the fear from a baseball bat. 

Fun Facts: Animal Groups

Some animals have fucking cool groupings. See above and below for details.

A shiver of sharks.

A shrewdness of apes.

An exultation of larks.

A convocation of eagles.

A business of ferrets.

A prickle of porcupines.

An ostentation of peacocks.

A parliament of owls.

A smack of jellyfish.

An ambush of tigers.

A tower of giraffes.

A peep of chickens.

A memory of elephants.

A skulk of foxes.

A zeal of zebras.

The Greatest Quote About Thursday

"Thursday is a more sexual day anyway." - Landry Clarke