Ovaries, the Moon and You

I like to watch the weather network sometimes. One of the many things you can find out about the weather on this station is the current moon phase. I was forcing my poor roommate to watch the weather with me and she commented "It's a half moon tonight. Good to know."

Shortly afterwards my brother came home and the following exchange occurred.

"Did you know that a woman can tell what the moon phase is by focusing in on her ovaries?" I asked my brother. Like most men the lady plumbing and its powers both mystify and horrify him.

"Bullshit." said my brother, quite rightly.

"No, that's true. Emily, what do you think? I feel like it's a half moon." I said as factually as possible.

"Hmmm. Yeah. I think it's a halfer." she replied.

My brother headed to the window to see what kind of moon we were dealing with that night. Sure enough it was a half moon. He turned around with a look I assume a lot of those ladies in Salem saw shortly before being burned at the stake. This look was quickly replaced by one of incredulity as I fell off the couch laughing at the bugger buying it for just a moment.

Things We Don't Understand About Adventures in Babysitting

 1. Why can’t Chris see that Mike Toddwell is such an asshole with a
      license plate like “So   Cool”?
 2. What’s happening with Brad’s hair?
 3. Why is Brenda such a hot mess?
 4. How do they not notice the car thief when they get into the
      Cadillac?
 5. Why does Joe Gipp take Chris and the kids to the chop shop?
 6. Why does Brad feel a notarized contract is a good option for the
      mob?
 7. How blind is Brenda?
 8. Why does the slanted top building attract so much trouble in
      Chicago?
 9. Why can’t anyone leave without singing the blues?
10. Why all the teens with cheque books?
11. Why can’t the Lords of Hell fuck with the babysitter?
12. Why doesn’t anyone care that the kid has a Playboy in her
        backpack?
13. How does the Playboy dictionary define oral gratification?
14. What exactly is a bohunk?
15. If not Chris Parker, then who is the lady in the Playboy?
16. Should Elizabeth Shue be concerned that she has a nude posing
       doppelganger?
17. Everybody goes onto the Expressway without a spare!
18. Is Joe Gipp (the car thief) trying to nail Chris Parker?
19. Who is Shaeleen?
20. Why isn’t anyone surprised by the child at a frat party?
21. Not one person at the office party notices the child in red
       hanging out the window?
22. Full contact info on a roller skate?
23. Could that little girl be more of an asshole?
24. Where does one get their hands on a good pair of mustard
        gloves?

Morning in the Movies

Am I missing something? Am I the only person in the world who hits the snooze button multiple times and has a precisely timed morning routine that leaves no room for error? Why does Hollywood love to pretend that weekday mornings are a time for leisurely breakfasts, workouts, coffee dates and sexual adventures? What time do these people get up? I don’t even start talking until 9AM, let alone have a quickie and a grand slam breakfast before my shower. I just don’t get it.

When Did This Happen??

                    Neville Longbottom is handsome. Who knew?

Commuter Thoughts: Ring Around the Collar

I live in Toronto and I don't drive a car. I walk to work or in bad weather I hop on a streetcar. It takes me about 20 minutes with or without the streetcar. I fill those 20 minutes with meandering thoughts about silly things as I am unlikely to delve into the deeper stuff in that kind of time allotment. I think about things like 'Is it worth it to trade eating whatever food I like for the easy, breezy life of a house pet?' or 'When spelling my name in ketchup or other assorted squeezy condiments, is it better to print or use cursive writing? Do they even teach cursive writing anymore?' or 'I bet Zorro peed in the Z-formation too.' etc. Today I was thinking about a former scourge of earth - ring around the collar. When I was wee in the eighties it seemed to me that buying laundry detergent was mainly based on the ability of said detergent to get rid of this dreaded staining. If your detergent failed to remove the grimy ring you would be a social outcast, subject to the whispers and judgements of your peers. Check out the photo above. Ring around the collar was a problem even in Elizabethan times. Word is that's what the ruffled collar was supposed to prevent. I don't remember the last time I heard about ring around the collar. Have we eradicated it? Are people's necks less dirty or oily? Has detergent advanced so much that ring around the collar has gone the way of small pox? I don't know. I just don't know.